Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
