I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
