Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
