so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
