I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
