I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Text me some of your sweat
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize