don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
