What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
