I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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