Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
