i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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