Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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