recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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