yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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