hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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