so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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