There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
