He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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