he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
