Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
