i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
