Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
