Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
