We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
