we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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