I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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