i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
