Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
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I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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