By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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