Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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