Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
