I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
