is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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