3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am in a vortex of obligation.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
