Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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