Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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