She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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