My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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