Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize