Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
