Just fell off a train. Bad.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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