I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
