It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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