Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
