M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
