Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
