did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
