Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
