I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
