I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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