I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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