I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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