I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
