Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
