i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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