there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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