3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
